Why We Do Hard Things

There’s a confusion among those who ask how you can enjoy BJJ, but this confusion is a category error about the nature of happiness.

The Distinction

Aristotle distinguished between two types of happiness: hedonic (pleasure and comfort) and eudaemonic (fulfillment through purpose and meaning). Hedonic happiness is reactive; when something nice happens, you feel good, and the feeling fades once the stimulus stops. It’s not a deep form of happiness; it’s anesthesia with good branding.

Eudaemonic happiness works differently. It’s cultivated through enduring challenges that a hedonic mindset would never choose. No one on the mats focuses on pleasure, and those who stick with it aren’t confused by this; they’re simply measuring success on a different scale than those who don’t get it.

Self-Actualization as a Goal

Maslow’s hierarchy is usually seen as culminating in self-actualization, in becoming the best version of oneself. This is where most self-improvement pop culture tends to transform into a sophisticated form of hedonism, where becoming your best self means optimizing one’s own experience.

However, there’s a sixth level: self-transcendence, where the focus shifts from the self to something beyond it. Self-actualization asks, “What can I become?” Self-transcendence, on the other hand, asks, “What can I contribute?”

This is the level for those who stay. It’s less about constructing a better self-image and more about transcending the self, and what emerges on the other side of chosen suffering.

The true test lies in what remains after the thing ends. If the pleasant sensation fades quickly, like a vacation high, it’s hedonic, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with it; it’s just not meant to last. A decade on the mats, by contrast, will remain etched in memory. That’s the eudaemonic residue: a fulfillment that outlives the moment because it was never really about the moment.

So, when someone asks how you could possibly enjoy your chosen suffering, the answer is that “enjoy” was never the right framing. It’s not pleasure; it’s meaning. And the two only seem similar to those who have never experienced the latter.